I recently changed my place of work, I am not a nervous person by nature but being in a new unknown environment does make one anxious. I don’t usually like to make small talk with people or try to dig into their lives but that is me and this fact does not stop others from doing the same with me.
So there I was sitting awkwardly, surrounded by a bunch of new faces, trying to sip my chai and pretending to listen their end of conversation nodding my head once in a while just to show that I’m also a part of this discussion.
“So who are you ?” One of my senior abruptly asked staring me in the eyes.
“Umm…mam I just joined 3 days back, I am a junior r….”
“Ohho I know who you are !” She cut me off. ” I want to know what are you ?”
Confused of what my response should be, I was pretty sure that she was not talking about my gender. Trying to figure out the correct reply to her complicated simple question I gave out an uneasy smile “mam I. ..”
“I was asking about your caste, what caste do you belong to ?” She finally cleared the air.
Sitting there among a group of people who are well respected and highly educated members of our society I was stunned by what she had just said. Quickly coming back to my senses I gave her what she was looking for. She made a bit more inquiry and went back to her discussion with others.
But since then I have been wondering…is this what we really are ?? How are the people who have a few more degrees than others who have none different from each other ??
Getting a higher education does not make you wiser person, I already knew that. But when you are an influencer of the masses shouldn’t there be a different level of mindset ??
Why are people still interested in other’s religion or caste ? Is that going to change your behaviour towards each other ?
Why can’t we accept the fact that we all belong to the same human caste ? Wouldn’t that make things easier that what we make of it today ?
But then again being in a highly public interactive profession this was the first time such a kind of instance happened with me. So I belive that there is hope. The human caste still lives on…
The night ended,
and the day began
I started searching for the reason,
The reason to cry
The reason to try
The reason to fall apart
And the reason to again give it a new start,
The reason to search the one you lost,
The reason for being nostalgic when you know those moments have crossed,
The reason to fall in love when you have already broken someone’s heart,
The reason for faith in a mother’s eyes,
The reason to wait for that special prize,
The reason for spring
The reason for fall
The reason for expecting that one opportunity call,
The reason for being adamant when you can loose it all,
The reason why tears fall amidst of a smile,
The reason to live
The reason to die
The reason to search for the answers,
The reason to solve problems left untried…
“But why do you want to do this don’t you realise you are just a girl you are weak” he said
“Just a girl ? ” she asked in disbelief “what is that supposed to mean ? what does me being a girl has to do with it ?”
“Are you so naive or do you make this up to upset me ?” He again howled
Listening and tolerating this unpleasant conversation over and over which wasn’t even actually a ‘coversation’ requiring two people going through the same ordeal time and again she just withdrew herself but it wasn’t enough for him. He wanted more for her…more humiliation more suffering more loathing.
He was not content with her withdrawal and to take it a step further he hit her…where she was most vulnerable not physically but emotionally. Taking her painfully into the past making her relive all the traumatic experiences forcing her to realise what kind of an intolerable human being she was and it was he who saved her. She was repeatedly reminded of her worthlessness.
She once again tried to walk away from this dreadful scene but little did she knew he had other things planned for her.
“You are just a liability a despicable burden. You should be thankful to me for taking pity on you ” he barked
“That was all in the past please don’t crush my future on that note” she pleaded
“Future ? You will not plan your future you will not decide. Don’t forget you only get a future that I choose” he said blatantly
She surrendered…she could not bear it any longer, with her eyes flooding she quietly picked up her shattered soul and cried her heart out. She cried in the dark till she could cry no more. Then she got up hid away the pieces of her soul and watched her life carry on. What else she could do after all….she was just a girl !
In life there are many times when we are really forced to think …” why is it this way ? ” or “why me ?”, but we get no satisfactory answers for this. all we can do is sit and wonder how and why this game was played with us, how did we get tricked into the belief that we are actually not alone, there are people to be with us, support us, understand us…
Ahh !! but alas, in the end we are badly broken and led down by those whom we believe to be our own. we are greatly wounded and scarred mentally and emotionally and too with no help , no hope , no more courage.
we want to hide ourselves and believe that all is just going to be fine if we don’t face the world and it seems easier to run away from all the trouble and turmoil even though we are not cowards..its just that we are tired…tired of crying, tired of pretending that everything is all right, tired of understand problems, tired of being sorry every time, tired of begging, tired of compromising and just very very tired of being guilty…..
but we still carry on because we love them with all our heart and soul and it is more important for us to see them happy rather than seeing them depressed…
we take all the dysphoric feelings from them…filled with remorse and sometimes hurt…
So among all this chaos…we are alone…with no where to go…
It’s been a long time since we last mingled
And I miss you
I apologise for not being around much
But in this hostile world you could no longer thrive as such
The world you knew the people you trusted
All have gone awry crooked and become rusted
The smiles u carved on the pristine mind
Have become pretentious corrupt and of an indifferent kind
The soul no longer craves pure righteous bonds
Hearts are filled with misery sorrow and woe
My dear innocense your scarcity has made this world hollow and fake
Your glimpse is now seen only in a newborn smiling face
You are found in the eyes of my pet
In my sister’s hug
In my mother’s care
In my friend’s fight
But the hope of meeting you still lingers on
It brightens my day to see you exist in humble forms.
So I have been unsuccessfully trying to get into a “healthy” diet and fitness regime for quite sometime now. I will not say that I have been trying so hard to achieve my goals because the actual truth is that I haven’t been trying at all.
Earlier today I was talking to a friend and she asked me about my “fitness thing” and I made same old excuses of not finding time and all. But then I thought what was the actual reason that I just wouldn’t even try !! So I told her the truth…motivation..I am not getting any motivation and she blurted out laughing over the phone. I didn’t feel bad b’coz I know each and everything that one needs to follow for this fitness frenzy and she knew that. Ultimately she said that to find motivation the only thing left to do for me is to get married and then I will find my motivation. After a long tedious discussion with her I actually started to wonder if she was right. Could it be true that finding someone or getting married is the right way to find motivation? Am I so lost that in order to find myself I first have to find someone else ? Do I need to be rescued in some way ?
Why is it that being alone is often mistaken for being lonely. I belive that it is totally OK to chose to be alone. Anyways after all this I think I may have just gotten back my motivation even if it just to reassure myself that I alone am responsible for finding my own motivation.